Funeral for a Friend

Anyone who was at our wedding remembers a very special moment when my husband and four of his childhood friends posed for a group photo. In their forties, they were still great mates. One of them, Nick, had flown in from New Zealand to surprise the others. He died suddenly doing what he loved a few years back.

This week we received the sad news that another of the five, Philip, had also passed. Philip was diagnosed with thyroid cancer in his late teens and told he wouldn’t live to see his 21st birthday. Tomorrow we’ll attend his funeral. He was 59.

Philip and his wife, Kathy, are a testament to the power of faith. Both deeply religious, they built a successful dental business and raised two beautiful children to be competent and compassionate adults. A good portion of Philip’s life was spent undergoing difficult and painful medical treatments. They prayed. They went to church. They believed that God would help him through.

I do not belive in God but in recent years I have come to believe in belief. Science keeps proving that state of mind can have a positive impact on longevity, quality of life and recovery from serious illness. For many people, religion helps them to find and maintain that positive state of mind.

I had a great conversation with an elderly friend recently. She’s been religious her whole life, and she’s also a great thinker and academic. The two seemed incongruous to me so I asked her about the paradox; how does such an intelligent person place so much faith in an imaginary being?
This is what she said.

“The biggest mistake that atheists make is assuming that people of faith are simple minded or delusional. Logically, I accept that there is no mythical being with a long beard that watches my every move and grants wishes to people that pray to him. I’m not a fool. God, for me, is a word that represents love and hope and all those intangible things that connect us to every living thing. My belief is a choice. I choose to believe because my life is better with these beliefs and I am a better person because of them. Every week I spend time with other people, thinking about how well my behaviour matches my values and being grateful for everything I have. Churches are full of people that don’t literally believe in God.”

It seems for some people that faith is not just about belief. It’s also about suspending disbelief.

I didn’t know Philip well enough to ever ask him if he literally believed in God. It doesn’t matter. On the few occasions that I met him and Kathy I was impressed by the depth of their faith and the significant impact it had made to the quality of their lives. They were better humans because of it.

There have been times in my life when I’ve been cynical about all religions, convinced that they were responsible for war and persecution. I now believe that this argument confuses cause and effect. Some humans will use religion as an excuse to behave badly and to incite others to do the same. But in the absence of religion, wouldn’t the same people simply find another excuse? Would a world full of atheists be a kinder and less violent world? I sincerely don’t think so.

I’m a skeptic. Most people confuse that word with ‘cynic’. A skeptic is someone that believes something based on evidence. I also think it includes being open to the possibility that something might be true where there is insufficient evidence to prove it either way. This is very different to the flawed argument I often see in relation to things unproven; that what is unproven is false, ineffective or useless. Something unproven may be all these things but it may also not be all these things. We just won’t know until there’s evidence.

Having seen the movie, The Connection; Mind Your Body, with expert after expert citing research into what’s known as ‘the mind-body connection’ I no longer doubt the significance of belief. The evidence is there. Our state of mind influences everything. It can switch dangerous parts of our DNA off and it can help us to defy the predictions of doctors.

That’s why I think we should support anyone’s decision to participate in religion.

I do have concerns about some of the dogma in most major religions but I also notice that many of them are evolving. There are now female clergy in previously all male positions. There are people of faith prepared to openly acknowledge that the texts upon which their religions are based are archaic and should be the starting point for discussion rather than than a rule book.

I don’t think it’s okay the threaten children with burning forever if they don’t comply and I do think young people should be taught to behave ethically for its own sake, and not because they fear the consequences.

And yet, when I spend time with adult friends whose faith is significant to them I am struck by a common theme. Regardless of which faith they belong to (and I have friends in most of them) their faith is a source of inspiration, comfort, guidance and community.

Tomorrow my husband will help to carry the coffin of one of his dearest friends. It will be deeply sad for him. Philip’s friends and family will take great comfort in the idea that he is now in a better place and finally free from all the pain and suffering that plagued his life. There will be a service. They will thank God for the long and happy life that Philip shared with his wonderful wife and children.

Credit where credit is due. Regardless of the beliefs of anyone else in the church, there can be no doubt that Philip’s faith, and the faith of his family, have kept him alive for many, many years beyond expectations. It will also be apparent that faith will provide those that loved him with deep consolation during their grief. It seems to me that these benefits make faith a very powerful force in our lives.

Farewell, Philip and thank you for being such a true friend to my husband. You will be greatly missed. Thank you for teaching me, through your undeniable example, about the power of faith.

I am not likely to join any organised religion. All of them have elements that I find difficult to reconcile with my own values. That doesn’t stop me from recognising that faith is powerful force. I believe in belief.

I will keep working on living a life of kindness, gratitude and being the best person I can be. I will keep being inspired by the natural world and the breathtaking spirituality I feel in a rainforest. I like A. C. Grayling’s observation that you don’t need to believe in a god to have a spiritual life.

I know that having this spiritual aspect to my life helps me to be well and helps me to continue to evolve, to test my behaviour against my values, to make mistakes and learn from them. I suspect this is what is supposed to be at the core of all religions.

Perhaps the final word goes to another religious friend who told me this when I asked her about her faith:

“God is another word for love. When you hear god just replace it with love. That’s how you can understand my religion.”

I’ll be doing that tomorrow during Philip’s funeral service. I’ll replace the word ‘god’ with ‘love’ because, when it comes right down to it (and at funerals, it really does come right down to it), love really is what it’s all about.

I will also spend time reflecting upon the power of faith and the benefits of religion. There can be no doubt that it’s a source of comfort, inspiration and love for many, many people.

Advertisements

What to Eat

I was interested to see research reported today that claims the Paleo diet is bad for you. It made me think about how many times researchers have given me dietary advice that was later disproven.

At various times in my life, all of the following have been ‘healthy’ or ‘unhealthy’ based on scientific studies: eggs, milk, chocolate, cheese, wine, red meat, fish, butter, margarine, nuts, refined flour, whole grain foods, brown rice, white rice, fruit juice, protein bars, vitamin supplements, not drinking enough water, drinking too much water, chillies, garlic and other alums, tomatoes and other nightshade vegetables, saliva (okay, that last one is a joke). There seems to have been consistent advice on refined sugar but the jury is out of fruit. For goodness sake!

My friend Cat gives the best dietary advice; figure out what works for your body. Limit processed food. That’s it.

I think it’s great advice because it acknowledges what we all know; what works for us might not be what works for someone else.

I’m over scientists telling me what’s ‘healthy’. The trouble with categorising food as either healthy or unhealthy is that it’s misleading. No food all on its own is healthy. Apples will kill you if that’s all you ever eat! Humans need to eat a diverse diet containing a range of different foods. From now on I’m focusing on what’s nutritious and nourishing.

My other difficulty with food research is that it’s such a blunt instrument. Red meat was ‘proven’ to be bad for us but the research was done using grain fed, factory farmed meat. It turns out that grass fed meat has a completely different nutritional profile. In particular, the omega 3 and omega 6 balance is way out in grain fed meat and this would explain the research results. Often it’s not just what we eat, but the origin of what we eat that matters.

The most common group of human subjects for researchers are college and university students. They like to use young men because then they don’t get the variations caused by female hormonal cycles. I don’t know about you but my diet and lifestyle are about as different to that of an average college student as chalk is to biodynamic, ethically farmed cheese. Even when researchers use a community based control group I know that the kind of variation I can see in the crowd at the local shopping centre means that very few of the subjects are going to have very much in common with me.

So I’m taking Cat’s advice and focusing on what works for my body.

Because I garden I have the luxury of wandering around with a basket every afternoon and deciding what’s going into my dinner that night. It’s interesting that some days I really feel like tomatoes and others I want lots of leafy greens. Is this my body telling me what it needs or just a human desire for variety? I don’t know. I don’t subscribe to the notion that a craving equals a need because I sometimes crave sweet things and experience has taught me this is a sure sign that I’m tired rather than desperately in need of a kick in the blood sugar.

My best response to a sugar craving is something high in protein and an early night.

Because I now fast regularly I’ve become really aware of my reaction to the first thing I eat after fasting. Food with gluten in it makes my tummy bloat. When you’ve got no breasts this is really obvious! I’m eating much less gluten.

I’ve also found that fasting seems to have substantially reduced my cravings for sweet things. It’s likely that the gut flora that tricks my brain into wanting sugar has been killed off or significantly reduced by fasting. I really can make it all the way down the biscuit aisle at the supermarket without reaching for the tim tams. This is both surprising and joyful.

I know that the way my body looks and feels is a direct consequence of the choices I make. If I gain a few kilos I know why. If I want to drop a few kilos I know how. I recognise that keeping my body at a healthy weight will help me to live a longer, happier life. It seems that’s true for everyone, not just cancer survivors.

I also like to consider the broader impact of the choices I make. Organic food isn’t just better for my body, it’s better for the planet. Growing some of my own food means I don’t need to get in a car and drive anywhere to be able to put dinner on the table. Eating more vegetables and less meat makes environmental and dietary sense.

This is what works for me. It might not be what works for you. By all means try some of the different diets if they appeal to you but I’d also encourage you to be prepared to abandon them if you’re not feeling great. I love The Fast Diet. I’ve lost loads of excess weight, re-established a healthy relationship with food and beaten my cravings. There’s no question that I’m healthy because of it and the research would suggest that it’s helping me to avoid cancer.

But it might make you miserable. If it does, find something that works for you.

 

Play

I usually start the new year with a very clear idea of what my theme is going to be. I wrote about this back at the beginning of January. Usually it comes to me as an obvious choice; last year it was ‘health’. A bit of a no-brainer really.

This year I was throwing around ideas about learning, creativity, listening, paying more attention to the people I love…….and while all of these seemed like good ideas, nothing really jumped out at me. When this sort of situation emerges, as it does from time to time, I think it’s best to trust the process and wait. Yes, it can feel a bit drifty for a while but then, as surely as the sun appears to rise, I move towards the place I need to be and it’s suddenly there on the horizon.

This week a woman I admire but do not know well sent me this video. She’s an amazing artist and was advertising workshops for the coming year. She attached this half hour piece by John Cleese on creativity:

Creativity; making the time and space for it.

If you have the time to watch it I highly recommend it. If not, here’s the short summary. Creativity happens when we make space for it and when we recognise that it’s a particular mode. We have our day to day mode of operating in the real world but to be creative we need to shift into a mode where we are free to explore the new and the unusual. Cleese suggests that it’s worth timetabling this, actually setting aside a half hour or an hour just to see what emerges.

Importantly he recommends play as the great generator of creativity. The solemn and the serious are the enemies of creativity. Play frees us of our usual constraining thought patterns and allows the new and unusual to emerge.

It’s also just fun.

This was the word I’d been looking for: Play.

I’m going to spend more time this year being playful. I’m going to approach everyday things with a sense of play. I’m going to laugh more and play with the people I love for the joy of it, without expectation or purpose, just for the fun of it.

Already I’m noticing the difference this single word can make to my day. I was heading out to have lunch with a friend on Monday and before I left the house I reminded myself: Play. My friend is always wonderful company but I suspect I was better company for being so light hearted.

I’m inclined to be serious, judgemental, argumentative and stern. It’s almost certainly a hangover from my policing career. I’m likely to be the wet blanket that worries about personal injury or gives you unsolicited advice about leaching chemicals in plastics or oxalic acid in kale. It’s not a lot of fun. It doesn’t make me fun to be around.

This year will be about shifting that default setting. I’ve had a couple of years of some very stern and serious stuff. I need a break and so does everyone close to me. Actually, I need a permanent shift towards playfulness.

I sometimes wonder if the great joy experienced by new grandparents is partly to do with the fact that babies give you permission to play again. We can make silly noises, pull funny faces and roll about on the floor. Why should we need babies to give ourselves permission to do that?

I’ve always balked at those memes that advocate never growing up. To my mind, being a grown up is just about taking responsibility for the consequences of your actions. It doesn’t mean you can’t be joyful or silly or playful. I sometimes wonder if what the authors of these memes are really saying is that we all need a bit more play in our lives. We shouldn’t see it as childish or immature (or perhaps we shouldn’t see ‘childish’ as insulting!). We should consider it one of the great joys of life.

When I watch dolphins leaping for the sheer joy of it, or dogs playing tag with each other, or cats wrestling but not hurting each other it occurs to me that play is natural, normal and probably essential.

John Cleese suggests that humour and play are the space that make creativity possible. We don’t latch on to the first solution we think of. We don’t rely upon the best known way. Play throws up unusual combinations and possibilities. It relieves us of the everyday pressures of life and makes space for something new.

I think it’s great advice when approaching any kind of creative pursuit. I like to paint and I know my painting improves when I just let it happen and don’t think about it too much. Start getting too analytical and it all falls apart. I’m going to try intentional playfulness with anything creative to see what happens.

I also think that play is worthwhile for its own sake. We should set aside some time to be joyful just to be joyful. If we solve world hunger or invent a better mousetrap in the process then that’s an wonderful product of our play, but I don’t think it should be our goal. Play for the fun of it. Approach ordinary activities with a sense of play. Set aside time to play with people you care about.

That’s what I’ll be doing this year.