Book Reviews!

There’s something mildly terrifying about writing a book.

In the writing phase I was consumed with craft and content. I wanted it to be simple, but not too simple. Useful and not overwhelming. Helpful and not exhausting.

After completing the first draft I put it aside for several weeks, came back to it and was shocked by how much repetition and useless waffle it contained. I edited fiercely.

A couple of people read through the draft for me, including one very generous friend whose a professional writer. The feedback was good. It was time to publish. No reason not to just jump right in and do it. And yet it felt terrifying! It suddenly occurred to me that I was putting myself out there, open to whatever criticism people decided to hurl at me. I metaphorically chewed my nails as I waited for the book reviews to arrive.

First came the friends. How I love my friends! A couple of them found the time to post their comments on the Amazon site. Here’s what they said:

A very valuable resource for everyone, not only those that have had cancer. There is so much knowledge and information within this book for tools with working through freeing yourself from fear. I believe sometimes when we get caught in fear, there is fog, we don’t seem to acknowledge our own values and get lost in the mist. There is so much within this book that draws on many techniques for working through this and with a lovely sense of humour, it shows Meg McGowan has had the life experience to walk the talk. Thank you Meg McGowan.

And this:

If I could pay $5 to avert one hour of meaningless fear, would I spend it? “Of course!” I thought, and bought this book.
It turned out to be full of practical ideas that I can use straight away on myself and the fearful ones around me…thats everyone alive.
Holding hands with the fear-monster is a sweet image, and does it work?
Well, I tested it.
After reading the book I did a suitable amount of scary-monster hand-holding, then went though a list of scary phone calls, scary conversations, procrastinated tasks.
I’m unharmed, and the quality of my future is now better. You don’t need a life-threatening illness for this book to protect and nourish you.
As a bonus, dandelions will forever look more beautiful, after reading this book.

When I checked today I found two reviews from people I don’t know. How exciting! Here’s what they’ve said:

If a cancer diagnosis feels like too much to bear, you’ll find solid comfort here. The exercises are quick and easy to perform. Yet they are profound and will produce lasting results. McGowan’s book is filled with wisdom that can only have come from one intimately familiar with the traumatizing effects of cancer diagnosis and treatment. I strongly urge you to buy this book. You’ll be glad you did and will, like me, refer to it for years to come. This book is a rare find, and the author deserves praise.

And this:

This book ticks all the boxes for handling the fear of recurrence that is part of all cancer patients’ lives after diagnosis.
It is written clearly and cuts through all the fog that surrounds us when we feel overwhelmed.
As a breast cancer survivor, I think Free from Fear should be on everyone’s Important Items list.
It is an exceptional read from someone who has been there, and understands.

Over on the Breast Cancer Network Australia site I’m also getting some really great feedback. Time to exhale.

You see, the thing is, even if I now get negative responses, or even if I never sell another copy of the book, it’s all been worth it.

Maybe I should write another one 😀

Here’s the Australian link (Kindle only)
Free From Fear on Amazon.au

Here’s the US site where you can also get the paperback.
Free From Fear on Amazon

There’s a promotion coming up on the 19th of June when the Kindle version will be available for free for three days. I’m celebrating four years since that visit to Breastscreen found three triple negative tumours, so it seemed like a good way to celebrate.

Thanks so much to everyone for all of your support. I couldn’t have done it without you. ❤

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Falling in Love Again

Cancer makes you question everything.

You realise your days are numbered. You realise your days have always been numbered and you’ve been ignoring that universal and obvious fact for most of your life. Oh sure, at some level you’ve known you were ultimately going to die, but it always seemed like an event that was so far away it didn’t register as important.

Then cancer.

Then the possibility that death might be closer than you think.

Suddenly, your life so far gets thrown into sharp focus. What have you done with it? What can you mark up as achievements? What dreams did you realise and what got lost along the way?

Perhaps the most important question of all finally occurs to you: Is this how you want to spend the rest of your life?

Some people are transformed by cancer. They walk away from boring jobs, leave abusive or uncaring partners or abandon a life they inherited rather than created. Some finally find the courage to take big risks. That might involve jumping out of a plane or finally having an honest conversation.

There’s not much about cancer you’d call wonderful, and yet…

It is wonderful to have the opportunity to take an honest inventory of your life so far, to acknowledge the achievements and the joys, to mark the disappointments and the failures. It’s very reassuring to be in a place where we understand that our lives have been very much like every other person’s life. The colours and the flavours of our experiences are different but the ebb and flow of joy and sorrow is common to all of us.

It’s an opportunity for deep conversations about what has been and what will be and how it will all be evaluated. My husband asked me, ‘Is there anything on your bucket list?’

I’m one of those people that’s found ways to do the things that were important to me as I went along. I don’t have a burning need to hang glide (did it), or parachute (not doing it). I can look back over the last 50 years and be proud of some of my achievements and embarrassed by some of my behaviour, just like everyone else. So this was the answer to my husband’s question.

“I’d like to fall in love again.”

It was a punch to the heart. He looked away. He sighed. He curled his lips in and waited, with that look he gets when he’s about to say something difficult. Then he said this.

“I can understand that. I ………..”

He hates it when I cut him off mid sentence but I really had to.

“Oh Sweetheart! I didn’t mean with someone else! I meant I’d really like to fall in love with YOU again!”

We’ve been together a long time. Like most couples, we’d settled into a routine where our patterns were well known and predictable. We were comfortable. We were both content. But faced with the sudden possibility that I might not be around much longer I’d taken to contemplating what really mattered to me. What really matters to me is connection, intimacy and love.

Stuff is just stuff. You buy it. You enjoy it for a while. Then you have to maintain it. You give it away. You buy more stuff. It will never make you happy.

Achievement is a little more rewarding but ultimately no less fleeting. Who will remember what I did during my working life? Or the art or the writing or anything else I produced? Most of us will not have any impact beyond our circle of friends, and perhaps some of the people they know.

But love? Ah, what is there that compares to it. It’s no surprise that research into human contentment keeps turning up intimacy and connection to others as the main precursors to a good life. There’s also our personal experience. Think back to the times in your life that brought you the greatest joy and they’re probably about love.

So how to fall in love again? With the same person?

I started with a New York Times article that’s become so well known it turns up in television shows (most recently Big Bang Theory). It reported on a piece of research where strangers asked each other a series of questions and many of them fell in love. Here’s the link:

The 36 questions that make you fall in love

We spent a few evenings working through these questions. It was fun. We had some great conversations and were surprised to find that we still had so much unknown territory to explore. I think part of the reason we fall in love is that the early stages of a relationship, when we are getting to know each other, are so fascinating. We are not just fascinated by our new friend, we recognise that they find us fascinating in return. Is there anything more attractive?

I started thinking that perhaps the reason the 36 questions worked so well was less to do with the content of the questions, and more to do with the process. When you’ve been married for a while you stop being fascinated with each other. You also stop having that experience of your partner finding you fascinating. Questions that give you the opportunity to get back there could be about almost anything.

I spent some time researching similar ideas. It turns out that there are a lot of lists that people have put together. Some of them are about building greater intimacy, having better sex, building commitment, having interesting conversations or just getting through a party where you don’t know anyone. Working on the basis that the process of setting aside time to ask each other questions and to listen to the answers was more important than the actual questions, I bought a few packs of blank playing cards and copied out anything even remotely interesting.

The challenge here was not to edit too savagely. As you’ll see from the 36 questions, something surprisingly inane might lead to a really great discussion. When it comes to your partner, you don’t know what you don’t know and you shouldn’t make assumptions.

I put the cards into a little decorative box that I picked up at the discount store. It’s now part of our lives for one of us to suggest that we ‘do cards’. About once a week we’ll sit in the family room and take turns drawing a card and answering the question on it. Sometimes we’ll both answer the same question and sometimes we’ll just stick to our own card. Sometimes we’ll get through several cards and sometimes a single card will prompt and entire conversation.

The cards help us to ask each other questions that would be difficult without a third party. Drawing a card that starts, “Do you think……….” allows for an open discussion, where asking the same question directly can get caught up in assumptions, hidden subtext and anxiety. There are definitely questions in this stack that would unnerve me if my husband had asked them directly (Where is he coming from with that? What’s the point of that question? Is he trying to tell me something?) but the card makes it neutral. And either of us is allowed to decline to answer. We just put the card on the bottom of the pack and draw another one.

It’s a fun game. The result is that we’re now connecting the way we did when we were first dating. My husband continues to surprise me with his wisdom, insight, humour and kindness. The cards provide me with the joy of his undivided attention, and an opportunity to talk deeply about things that really matter to us, rather than the functional conversations we have everyday.

At one point, Graham suggested marketing the cards. Proving that most great ideas have already occurred to someone else, I found a sight called The School of Life. Guess what they sell. Yep, cards with questions on them.

The Game of Life Shop

We’re not through my home made cards yet, and we could probably work through the pack a few times and have several different conversations, but when we’ve exhausted them I’ll be buying some of these.

As a consequence of spending time together, talking about a huge range of things and sharing our feelings and opinions, we’ve found that we feel closer than ever. This has carried over into other parts of our lives. We’re enjoying each other’s company and looking for events to share together. I’m remembering what it is that made me want to marry this man.

It’s also helping me to understand that, post surgery and without breasts, my body matters less to my husband than my mind and my heart. We will both get old. I’m hoping we both get really old! Our bodies will continue to be less attractive to anyone else. This has nothing to do with our deep connection to each other. We still love to touch and hold each other. We will never stop discovering things about each other. To the rest of the world we are just ordinary people, but to each other we are fascinating.

Have I fallen in love again?

What do you think.

 

 

 

 

A Day of Rest

I might be about to officially enter the ranks of ‘old person’. I’m going to write about something we used to do when I was young that doesn’t happen anymore. ‘In my day…..’

Please don’t misunderstand me. I’m generally not sentimental about the past. I think our species has come a long way in the last fifty or so years. We are, on the whole, less violent, more tolerant and more interested in family and community than we are in power or the accumulation of personal possessions.

But I miss Sundays.

When I was a kid the shops were closed on Sunday. Saturday was the day you went shopping. If you were fortunate enough to live in a country town you also spent a lot of time saying hello to other people, stopping for a polite chat with those that weren’t close friends, but were part of your community. A lot of people also relegated time on Saturdays to cleaning the house or mowing the lawn.

Sundays were for resting.

For those that were members of a church or other religious congregation, Sundays were a day of gathering and worship. For everyone else there were the secular traditions; a Sunday roast with immediate or extended family, a walk or a nap after lunch, a quiet corner with a good book and an early night so we were all well rested for the week to come.

I wonder to what extent the chronic stress, anxiety and depression that now plagues us can be traced to the introduction of Sunday trading. You can now shop seven days a week. Thanks to online shopping, you can now shop 24 hours a day.

Marketing has always played with human psychology. It’s designed to make us want what we didn’t know we wanted. Its primary weapons are greed and anxiety. It seeks to convince us that more stuff will make us happier, more attractive, more successful. Even though we know in our hearts that this is untrue, we buy anyway.

This week three things bubbled to the surface of my world. The first was a piece about two studies into human behaviour that have been running for around 70 years. They’ve been tracking participants since they were kids at college in the USA. They can now tell us what it is that leads to people declaring their lives successful and happy. It’s connection to other people. Imagine! Not wealth or power or fame. It’s all about the quality of your relationships with others.

The next bubble was an article about resilience. Researchers are recommending that all the techniques for dealing with trauma and stress are of little benefit to us if we don’t take time to rest and recharge. It’s the quality of our time out that makes the difference.

How interesting that both pieces of research seem to be stating the glaringly obvious.

The final bubble in this week’s mix was a tiny purple flower that appeared on Facebook. It allowed us to express our gratitude. In addition to indicating that we liked or loved something, or were amused, amazed or angered by it, we could show our gratitude. A few days after it was introduced it was gone. There’s a petition to bring it back. I loved it. So did a lot of other people.

The research into expressing gratitude shows us that doing it regularly is good for us. It helps us to be happier with what we have. It pushes back against the marketing onslaught and allows us to look around our existing environment and appreciate that, for most of us, we already have enough. Gratitude also reminds us that the things that matter most to us are our relationships with other people, the opportunities we have to connect with nature and fun we have when we take time out from work.

I wonder if there’s a group of highly paid psychologists somewhere, recommending the Facebook owners avoid anything that encourages people to express gratitude. It can’t be good for business. If we are focusing on what we have and the importance of relationships and experiences over things, we are surely much less likely to want to spend money on things we didn’t need in the first place. We might even decide to spend less time on Facebook.

For my part, I’m signing the petition to bring back the grateful flower, I’m continuing to limit Facebook to no more than an hour in the morning and I’m spending time each Sunday recording seven things I’m grateful for.

I’m also reinstating a commitment to Sunday as a day of rest. That might mean lunch on the verandah with good friends or just going for a relaxing walk with my husband. There will definitely be more reading and the occasional trip to the movies. I also want to spend more time sitting in the garden and just enjoying it, rather than planting, weeding and mulching. It’s not that I don’t enjoy the gardening. It’s that I want to stop and appreciate the outcome.

I hope this week you’ll find some time to rest and recover. Maybe it’s time to reflect on your achievements or the quality of your close relationships. Maybe it’s escaping into a book or a movie. Whatever you decide to do, know that you’re doing your mind, your body and your spirit a favour. Rest is undervalued. I think it’s time we turned that around.

I’ve published a book about fear of recurrence!

Regular followers of this blog will be aware that I’ve been working on a book for the last few months. I’m pleased to say it’s finally here.

Ta daa!

Free From Fear: Living Well After Cancer

It’s only available on Kindle at this stage, but that means I can keep the price low. It’s only $5 US but if you can’t afford that, keep an eye out for the promotion period in the next couple of weeks when it will be cheaper.

It’s been a great exercise in rebuilding my brain and overcoming the peripheral neuropathy that sometimes makes typing difficult. It turns out fingerless gloves are great for that.

I wrote the book for everyone that supported and encouraged me to keep writing. Thank you, particularly to those of you that suggested I write a book. Special mention to Michelle, David and Ricki for their unfailing support and praise.

My husband asked me last night what ‘success’ would look like, regarding the book. I told him that if it helps just one person to overcome that horrible fear that can follow us around once treatment ends then it will have been worthwhile.

My dear friend, Ricki, has reminded me that not everyone is out the other side of treatment. Some will be on treatment for the rest of their lives and some will head back into treatment. The book is for all of you too.

I hope I’ve made it easy to read and simple to apply to your own life. It’s full of all kinds of practical activities for dealing with fear, worry and anxiety. If you’d like a sneak peek then Amazon let’s you take a look inside before you buy it. Have a look and let me know what you think.

If you don’t have a Kindle device you can download the app for free from Amazon and load it onto your phone, tablet or computer. Click on the link above and if you don’t already have the ability to read a Kindle book the site should give you the option to download.

Thanks to all of you for your wonderful support and please help spread the work about the book. My next goal is to get it into the hands of the people that need it.

Love and gentle hugs
Meg

The Book Is Almost Here!

Hi everyone,

A bit excited!
Just sent the final draft of my book to someone so that it can be formatted for publication on Kindle.

And yes, I did finally make up my mind about a title:

‘FREE FROM FEAR – living well after cancer’

It’s got lots of practical strategies for dealing with that slow, creeping fear that the cancer is back as well as a whole section on living your best life. I was inspired by all the people that commented on this blog. You encouraged me to keep writing so I did!

I don’t have any grand ambitions. I’m just hoping to pass on the information that was so beneficial to me during treatment. This was also an activity that helped me to rebuild my brain after treatment, so I’m already very happy that I took the time to learn how to do it.

I’m on track to publish on Kindle some time in the next few weeks. That will keep the cost down. I’ll also be listing it in their promotional program so that it will be available for free just after it’s published. I’ll post here when that happens so that all the wonderful people that have sent me lovely comments over the last three and a bit years can get a copy without paying anything.

Thanks again to everyone that said ‘keep writing’, especially David, Michelle and Ricki.

Deep gratitude to my beloved friend and professional writer, Liz Swanton, for her practical and emotional support…..and for teaching me that that that doesn’t need to be there!

Meg McGowan